A Free Man of Color Read online

  DR. TBut the French planters have not given up. Toussaint may be the Bonaparte of Sante Domingo but he still needs outside support to maintain control.

  TOUSSAINTHear me, glorious first consul Bonaparte, from the first of the blacks to the first of the whites, I know you will give our new government the supplies we urgently need!

  DR. TNapoleon’s not emperor yet. He’s still first consul, pulling France together after her revolution. Let me take you to the heart of it—Paris—to the Tuilleries, a malodorous palace along side the Louvre. The same question Jacques Cornet asks of how to get to the Orient torments Napoleon.

  Enter NAPOLEON in a bathtub, studying a terry cloth map of the world.

  NAPOLEONThe route to India through Egypt should be mine. But the British stopped me. I will retaliate. But how!

  DR. TJosephine, his wife, not yet Empress, enters.

  JOSEPHINE enters, with tarot cards.

  JOSEPHINE (distraught)Look at my clothes—I am laughed at—spots on my muslin.

  NAPOLEONThen wash them and leave me alone. How? How?

  JOSEPHINEWash them in Paris? Only the water of the West Indies possesses magic bubbles to make my muslin gleam like teeth!

  NAPOLEONWe have no money to go to the West Indies for your laundry or your teeth.

  JOSEPHINEOh, but if England’s involved, you spend any amount to defeat them, but little Josephine wants one little spot taken out of her muslin and Citizen Big Shot First Consul cries poverty. (dealing tarot cards) Money, money. That’s a laugh.

  Toussaint enters, writing a letter.

  TOUSSAINTCome to the West Indies and enforce the ideals of the Revolution!

  TALLEYRAND enters, bearing the letter.

  DR. TToussaint’s letter arrives months later into the hands of Talleyrand, Napoleon’s foreign minister. Talleyrand is known fondly in diplomatic circles as ‘a silk stocking crammed with shit’.

  TALLYRANDDestiny smiles yet again on Talleyrand. I can parlay this to my advantage—(Tallyrand hands the letter to Napolean) Magnificent Beacon of Destiny, our future has arrived.

  NAPOLEON (scanning the letter, discarding the letter)Aside from putting sugar in my morning coffee, the West Indies hold no interest for me—

  TALLYRANDSavior of France, don’t you see what this could be? An entry into America!

  JOSEPHINE (reading the letter)These savages wash their clothes in West Indies water, but me—covered with spots like a Dalmatian dog—

  NAPOLEONGO!

  TALLYRANDFeel the future pulsate.

  NAPOLEONThe Nile.

  TALLYRANDThe Mississippi. The river to the Orient surely lies here within America. This vast unknown covers volcanoes spewing gold.

  JOSEPHINE (dealing her cards)Yet again ‘money’. Can tarot lie?

  NAPOLEONHow to crush Great Britain?

  TALLYRANDSay it, oh Jewel of the Future: England has defeated me.

  NAPOLEONNo! If the Gargantua of England cannot defeat the mouse of their colonies, how can England defeat the splendor of me?

  TALLYRANDAnd yet they have! Sail to America.

  NAPOLEONThe British would attack me at sea. I hate the British. I hate Shakespeare. I hate Chaucer. I hate Richard the Lion Hearted. I hate Henry V. When the future comes, I will hate Big Ben. Queen Victoria. James Bond. Charles Dickens. Florence Nightingale. British Air. Julie Andrews. Mick Jagger. No. I will like him. Wait! I see how to crush Great Britain! (Napoleon stands up in the tub. Instead of a penis, he sports a giant cannon) I’ll conquer Europe. I’ll humiliate the British as they have humiliated me. Never mention America again.

  Napoleon goes.

  Music: the Arcangelo Corelli Concerto Grosso # 2 in F major. THOMAS JEFFERSON wearing a bathrobe and slippers appears, playing his Cremona violin. He surveys the unopened crates.

  DR. TPresenting Thomas Jefferson, the third president of the small, perfectly sized, sixteen United States.

  JEFFERSONWhere is the Medoc? (calls) Meriwether? Meriwether! Where is the Medoc?

  DR. TMr. Jefferson’s first full day on the job after a very contentious election. Enter Meriwether Lewis, personal secretary to Mr. Jefferson.

  MERIWETHER LEWIS, twenty-something, enters, harried, carrying lots of mail.

  MERIWETHERSir! We just got word. New Hampshire is building a fort on land Canada claims is Canadian. What are the borders?

  JEFFERSONA state’s business is none of a government’s business. Send them a letter reminding them—

  MERIWETHERI don’t have time to write letters—

  JEFFERSONAnd make twelve copies of it—

  MERIWETHERSir! So many men would do this job better than I.

  JEFFERSONAny other news?

  Toussaint appears.

  TOUSSAINTMy country needs your assistance.

  MERIWETHERYes! Yes! The Indies. Toussaint Louverture requesting materiel—

  TOUSSAINTFood, ammunition—

  MERIWETHER—to fight the French planters—

  TOUSSAINTGive us what you would give a young democracy struggling for the same freedom—

  TOUSSAINT & MERIWETHERas you once did.

  MERIWETHERSir, I must return to my life outdoors.

  JEFFERSON (impatient)American news?

  MERIWETHERJames Callender writes unless you appoint him postmaster of Richmond, Virginia, he’ll publish trouble in his newspaper about Sally Hemmings.

  JEFFERSONI dare him! Open that crate.

  MERIWETHER (opening the crate)The two of us alone in this big, empty, unfinished house. Why do you even want me for this job? Sir, I need to be out in the white spaces! If I went to St. Louis and set out on the Missouri River—

  JEFFERSONI’m not spending money on land that belongs to another country.

  MERIWETHERSpain won’t know I’m there.

  JEFFERSONI’ll know you’re there.

  MERIWETHEROne canoe! That’s all I need!

  JEFFERSONThe government does not have the money to send you out into this alien whiteness in even one canoe.

  MERIWETHERYou could charge it the way you do your wine.

  JEFFERSONRun a country the way I conduct my personal life? Never.

  MERIWETHERIt makes me weep to think I’m to sit here cataloging the temperature of each day and taking notes on the workings of this government when there’s this unknown alabaster out there! Did God create a continent and then cover its majority with a bafflement of snow? Does a mammoth beast, cruel as the Angel of Night, lurk out there, guarding the secret of the western route, devouring all explorers who are foolhardy enough to challenge him?

  JEFFERSONYou’re talking yourself into a frenzy.

  MERIWETHERTo find the hidden river, connecting the Atlantic and the Pacific, the East to the West. The Indies! Christopher Columbus, Captain Cook, Magellan can finally sleep rested. Their task accomplished.

  JEFFERSONBy you.

  MERIWETHERWhy not? To be out there in the limitless unknown looking for the future. I want to decipher what is unknown.

  JEFFERSON (stops playing)If you want the unknowable, get a wife.

  MERIWETHER (drinks)I’d rather climb in bed with my maps.

  JEFFERSON (handing Meriwether a list)Before you retire, make place cards, I’m having a dinner party tonight. Seat me next to Aaron Burr.

  MERIWETHERYour vice president hates you!

  JEFFERSONOpposite me, place Alexander Hamilton!

  MERIWETHERHe wants to overthrow you.

  JEFFERSONThey won’t assassinate me my first night in my new home. That’s not good manners. Drink up, my boy. To democracy!

  MERIWETHERIs the definition of democracy dining with your enemies?

  JEFFERSONThat’s the definition of life. As for Toussaint—

  MERIWETHERSir, fair is fair. Their government’s legal.

  JEFFERSONYes, but I’ve heard the fears in Virginia. Those negroes of Toussaint will conduct predatory raids on our coasts and cause unrest. However—God knows my morning Santo Dominguin coffee needs two teaspoons of Santo Dominguin
sugar. Democracy and America’s sweet teeth cry out: Yes! Send Toussaint what he needs. Let’s get back to my dinner party.

  MERIWETHERWhat about my request?

  JEFFERSONTell the chef I want a light repast of turkey, chicken fricassee, mutton chops, ham, oysters, that pie called Macaroni!

  MERIWETHERHow will you pay for it?

  JEFFERSONCharge it!

  MERIWETHERSir, I quit!

  Jefferson goes, playing his violin. Meriwether follows.

  Dr. T appears.

  DR. TBack in New Orleans, Jacques is about to die a little death.

  Morales has his ear to Jacques’ bedroom door.

  WHORES (off)AHHHHH AHHHHH

  MORALESI hear him—he’s finishing!

  A cannon goes off. The men snap into action.

  MORALESHe’s finished!

  MURMURGet in line!

  DORILANTEI was here first.

  HARCOURTLiar! I was here first.

  DORILANTEYour insult forces me to say ‘Name your weapon’!

  HARCOURTYour insult forces me to pick up my pistol and—

  Jacques Cornet appears, dressed in full Sun King dazzle. The Girls follow.

  JACQUES CORNETPlease! Any duels shall take place in Lake Pontchartrain in six feet of water, sledge hammers to be used as weapons.

  Everyone laughs merrily.

  DORILANTE/SPARKS/HARCOURT/ALCIBIADE/PYTHAGORESee my map! Mine! Mine! Mine!

  JACQUES CORNETI have that map—and that—

  DORILANTE (holding out a map)Wonderful Jacques, no one has seen this map proving the Mississippi bends west—

  JACQUES CORNETWest? Don’t make sport of gravity. Next.

  ALCIBIADEOh most delightful host, an Indian on his deathbed gave this to me.

  PYTHAGOREAs a dying Indian gave me this map with his last breath.

  JACQUES CORNETEvery map attached to a dead Indian? There can’t be an Indian left alive. Murmur, buy them.

  Harcourt shoves his map in front of Jacques Cornet.

  HARCOURTMy greatest friend, look!

  JACQUES CORNETBut this map was stolen from me!

  HARCOURTMurmur!

  MURMURI never saw this map!

  JACQUES CORNETIs this how you buy your freedom? Good! I take what I pay Harcourt for this map and add it to the sum you need to purchase your freedom. You keep stealing. I keep adding. I could never let you go. No map today, Sparks?

  SPARKSGood Sire, I’ve lost every peso, every real at the gaming table. I have no way to explain this to my wife—

  JACQUES CORNETMurmur? Pay good Sparks some of his losses. A real or two.

  MURMURHis losses are none of your business.

  JACQUES CORNETThe difference between being a sport and a miser is the matter of only a few hundred pesos a year. I don’t want his wife going hungry. She makes such a tasty meal.

  SPARKSSome day I’ll repay you.

  Sparks kisses Jacques Cornet’s hand.

  JACQUES CORNETI look forward to the day.—Murmur, wash the hand.

  MURMUR (wiping Jacques Cornet’s hand)My master treats men like carnival dogs who roll over and fetch.

  MERCURE, a grizzled trapper, appears.

  JACQUES CORNETI’ve not seen you before.

  MERCURE (brandishing his map)I have a map. I’ve been down here in the secret connector between the Atlantic and Pacific that runs underground! I entered through a cave in the Illinois territory—see—and sailed in dark caves—see—for many days until I spilled out into the Pacific’s nacreous foam.

  JACQUES CORNETYour breath.—This underground map is at least original. Pay him, Murmur.

  Murmur does so. Mercure grovels with gratitude.

  DR. TWhy do you buy these maps?

  JACQUES CORNETLike Pascal’s wager regarding the existence of God, one of these maps just might be true.

  MORALES (trying to get Jacques Cornet’s attention)Most Exquisite Avatar of Beneficence, I compel you to command Señora Mandragola to allow me purchase the services of whichever of her girls I choose or I shall exile them to (whispers) Santo Domingo!

  The Girls react in horror. NO!!!!

  MME. MANDRAGOLA (to Morales)Which of my jewels do you want?

  MORALESMelpomene.

  MELPOMENENOOOOOO! M. Cornet! Save me! Don’t you hear me? Sire, I implore you!

  Melpomene inadvertently spills wine on Jacques Cornet’s sleeve.

  JACQUES CORNETHorrors! A drop of wine! Destroy this jacket! Cruel silken death! Murmur, dress me once more—

  Jacques Cornet and Murmur leave. Morales picks up Melpomene to go into the other room as—

  DR. TAt this moment out in the harbor, a packet boat from Havana slithers into New Orleans. It bears a message from a spy in the court of the King of Spain, addressed to the Supreme Intendante Morales. It is marked top secret. And change, the ultimate unchartered territory, casts its latest devil-may-care map over everyone’s head.

  Pincepousse enters, agitated, out of breath, carrying an Imperial document.

  PINCEPOUSSE (gasping)Morales! There you are! A messenger came seeking you. I took the message. It’s from Madrid. We never get mail.

  MORALESPincepousse! I have a prior appointment. Paciencia.

  Morales exits with Melpomene.

  PINCEPOUSSE (to us)The King of Spain probably wants Margery!

  DR. TWho is Margery?

  PINCEPOUSSENo one! (to us)Margery Jolicoeur. My true love. The King of Spain has received word of my recent plaçage and wants her for his own. No! Margery is mine! ‘She walks in beauty like the night’.

  DR. T (to us)Plaçage is a local law allowing white men to enter into an official arrangement with a woman of color—it protects her—it protects him.

  MURMURThink of marriage without any of the downside.

  Jacques enters in yet another dazzling outfit.

  JACQUES CORNETMy brother! You’ve been out of town.

  PINCEPOUSSEMy dear half-brother—Gad, I hate him so much I have forgot what I was going to say. All this should be mine!

  JACQUES CORNETIs that a letter for me?

  PINCEPOUSSENot everything’s for you. I’m waiting for Morales.

  JACQUES CORNETThe letter upsets you.

  PINCEPOUSSENothing could be further from the truth. I revel in the serenity of my mother being a Duchesse.

  Enter MARGERY JOLICOEUR, dressed in country clothes and wearing a tignon, a scarf wrapped high on her head, decorated with jewels and flowers.

  MARGERYHow long I got to wait in that drafty carriage?

  PINCEPOUSSE (a rage)Wait in the carriage! Let no man see you.

  JACQUES CORNETIs that a wife?

  PINCEPOUSSEYes. No! Not a wife!

  MARGERYWhat beautiful dishes! What a beautiful house! (she sees Jacques) Oh. What a beautiful man.

  JACQUES CORNET (to Margery)They told me you were beautiful. They didn’t tell me you were this beautiful—

  PINCEPOUSSEWait in the carriage!

  Pincepousse drags Margery out.

  DORILANTEPincepousse has already lost his wife.

  HARCOURTI wouldn’t let my wife near Jacques.

  SPARKSLuckily, my wife has never seen Jacques.

  MURMUR (holding up a key ring heavy with keys, to us)See these keys? My boss knows his way into these men’s bedrooms.

  Pincepousse returns, attempting nonchalance.

  JACQUES CORNETWhy, you old whore master, have you married? Murmur, bring the champagne!

  PINCEPOUSSEI deny it! (banging on the chamber door) Morales!!!! —The young woman is—she is—not a woman. It was merely a young man in costume for the ball tonight.

  JACQUES CORNETA boy in a dress? You are getting interesting in your old age. He was exceedingly pretty. Bring him in.

  PINCEPOUSSEYou shall not debauch her—him.

  JACQUES CORNETYou insist he’s male? Have you foresworn the fairer sex?

  PINCEPOUSSEI do have a mistress.

  JACQUES CORNETAnd the young man? A ménage a trois?

  PINCEP
OUSSENo ménage. Only her—brother!

  JACQUES CORNETDoes your mistress know her brother is being seen around town in her clothes?

  PINCEPOUSSEI don’t know the fashion of the young.

  JACQUES CORNETLet me make you a wedding gift.

  PINCEPOUSSEI shall happily accept a wedding gift—such as this house, which is rightfully mine!

  JACQUES CORNETAfter I meet her. Bring her here.

  PINCEPOUSSEShe’s too awkward and ill-favored to bring to town. (aside) He wants everything that is mine!

  Morales opens the chamber door—a matador after a kill.

  MORALESOlé!

  Melpomene follows, limping.

  MELPOMENEHe kept his armor on.

  PINCEPOUSSE (pulls Morales aside)Look at this letter!

  MORALES (opens it; shock!)It’s a cryptogram!

  PINCEPOUSSEA cryptogram?

  MORALESI remember some of the cipher. Plxtr is “Spain”. Here is another—Voomf is “Napoleon”.

  JACQUES CORNETSpain? Napoleon?

  MORALESAm I being dismissed? Oh, dear Lord—no—

  PINCEPOUSSEWhere did you put the Imperial cipher breaker?

  MORALESAt home in my safe.

  PINCEPOUSSE (whispers)Could the cryptogram be orders to restore le Code Noir? I’d like that.

  JACQUES CORNETWhat is he saying?

  MORALESRestore le Code Noir?

  JACQUES CORNETLe Code Noir? What about le Code Noir?

  DR. T (to us)George Feydeau, the great French playwright, was asked how to write a play.

  GEORGES FEYDEAU appears.

  FEYDEAUThere is only one rule of playwriting. Character A says “My life is perfect as long as Character B does not show up.” Knock knock. Enter Character B.

  Georges Feydeau goes.

  JACQUES CORNETMy life is perfect.

  Murmur enters, carrying a door. He is dressed in black and holds a skull.

  MURMURKnock knock.

  JACQUES CORNETWho’s there?

  MURMUR/DEATHLe Code Noir!

  Jacques Cornet, terrified, slams the door shut. Murmur goes.

  DR. T (to us)He’ll tell you what le Code Noir is later in a very grand speech.

  MORALESJacques, muchos gracias for your hospitality.—Pincepousse, to my house. Let no one suspect we have received a cryptogram.